Holding on to you

“You should just go talk to her, you guys have been best friends forever.”

I knew she was right, but for whatever reason, I still wanted to be mad at Jessy. I knew I had no right being angry because Jason and I can never be together, and besides, I loved Killian, but I just couldn’t get over the fact that my ex-boyfriend and my best friend kissed.

“She betrayed me, Kins.”

We were walking to the cafeteria to get lunch, it felt weird being back at school after being gone for so long. Everything was the same, but then it wasn’t. Students were looking at me and whispering amongst themselves. I’ve heard about a hundred reasons as to why I was missing for so long, and none of them was good.

We walked passed a group of emo girls who were saying that my psycho boyfriend sold me to his rivals to cut a business deal. It made me and Kinsley laugh, if they only knew how possessive Killian was when it comes to me, they would not be talking like that.

“She didn’t betray you, Lil, how could she? You’re married to my psycho brother, that makes Jason free to do what and whomever he wants. It’s unfair for you to still hold claims on him when you know that you two will never ever be together. And you and I both know that Killian wouldn’t hesitate to kill him if he so much as looks you.”

We reached the cafeteria just in time to catch the lunch line, there was about fifteen other students inform of us, we knew that we were early. Mostly when we’re late there’s like over fifty students in front of us, and in those times I tend to forgo food.

“You’re right, it’s unfair and I’m being a bitch for staying mad at my two best friends, I’ll talk to her after school. And if you can keep your brother busy for a while later, I’ll talk to Jason as well.”

Kinsley snorted, “I don’t think you have to worry about keeping him busy, Crista already doing a good job at it.”

I turned around to see what Kinsley was talking about, and to my surprise and absolute horror, I saw Crista drop herself on Killian’s lap and planted a kiss on his lips. I stood there staring along with the rest of the students in the cafeteria, different emotions were swirling around inside, but the ones that affected me the most were, angry, hurt and betrayal.

Unable to just stand and watch my supposed ‘husband’ lip-lock with his ex, I drop the tray I was holding, causing all eyes to turn my way. I got a few pity stares, but the majority of the students were looking at me like I was an idiot. And to tell you the truth, at that moment I felt like the biggest one alive.

However, I didn’t care too much about what people thought, my eyes were focused on Killian. He lifted a smirking Crista off of him and stood, a look of remorse entered his eyes and he made a step towards.

“Baby,” he whispered softly.

He started walking, and I didn’t wait around to be embarrassed further, I turned to the door and run out of there. Kinsley shout my name, but I kept on running until I was inside the girls’ bathroom.

As soon as the door was locked behind me, I broke down. Walking to the corner of the room, I braced myself against the wall for support. My tears starting flowing like a river, I felt my heart squeezed in my chest and I was finding it hard to breathe.

My whole world felt like it was crashing down around me. I heaved, trying my best to fill my lungs with air, but it felt like my body was shutting down. I slid down the wall, hugging my knees to my chest. My body shook violently, I was unable to control it, my inside felt like it was dying and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I felt stupid, how could I love someone so completely heartless? How could he betray me like that, and behave like a dick if I so much as look at another guy? I can’t believe that he let her kiss him, how am I supposed to trust him after something like that?

Whiles, I was sobbing my heart out and scolding myself on what a dumb f**k I was, the door to the bathroom pushed opened and in walked Jessy and Kinsley.

They both looked at me and their eyes filled with sorrow and pity, and I hated it. I hated it a lot!

“Oh, honey.”

Jessy called, walking over to me. She tried to touch me but, I shrink away from her, I didn’t want her comfort.

“J-just leave m-me alone, please.”

She ignored me and pulled me close, wrapping her hands around me as I broke down and cry harder.

“Why does it hurt so much?”

I barely squeezed the words out through my angry sobs. Her hands around me tightened and I felt as her tears wet my face. That’s my best friend, whenever I’m hurting, she’s hurting and I loved her for it. At that moment, I felt like I needed to tell her that I wasn’t mad at her, that I was just being selfish.

“It hurts because you love him.”

I looked up at her, “Jessy, I’m s-sorry for being mad at y-you, it was stupid of m-me. If you and J-Jason like each other, it’s ok w-with me.”

Although she smiled and nodded I could see that something was bothering her. But I was busy dying inside to ask her what was wrong.

“It’s ok, sweetie, let’s not talk about that now, all is forgiven.”

Kinsley shifted closer to me, and she too took up a seat on the floor. We were all just sitting there crying, and I couldn’t help but love them both for supporting me.

“Lil, what Killian did was wrong and you should not forgive him for it anytime soon, but you know that he’s never going to let you go.”

That made me cry harder because I knew that she was right, I didn’t have the privilege like others who can break up with their boyfriends if they found him kissing another girl. I was stuck with Killian for the rest of my life.

The realisation that I might have to spend my entire life with a guy who might be cheating on me hit me like a boat full of bitches and I started crying harder.

“OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! How can I let him touch me after that, knowing that his mistress is living in the same house as us? I… I d-don’t… I can’t b-breathe… I need a-air.”

I could even explain the pain that I was going through, it was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, and I didn’t like it one bit. Everywhere hurt, and my life source felt like it was being drawn out of me by force. It was like someone was squeezing my heart, trying to crush it.

“It hurts, why does it hurt so bad?!”

I wasn’t talking to anyone, in particular, so I didn’t expect an answer, but I got one anyway.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, Lilly, but you let yourself love him. Loving my brother is like a death sentence.”

I drop my head and started crying more, then the door to the bathroom opened and in walked the person responsible for all of my sorrows.

“Lilly, baby?”

Hearing him say those words broke my heart even more. He didn’t deserve to call me that anymore.

I kept my head down and ignore him, but being Killian he had to have my complete attention. He knelt down beside me and pulled me out of my friends’ arms. Both his sister and Jessy scowled at him, but he didn’t let that bother him. I tried my best to push him away, but he held on tighter.

“Let me go, Killian, just let me go!!”Content rights by NôvelDr//ama.Org.

His hands closed around me more like he was afraid I was going to disappear and never come back.

“I can’t baby; God knows I can’t.”

I didn’t for a minute believe that sadness in his voice, if he meant it he wouldn’t have kissed another woman.

He held me in his arms and stood, turning to Jessy and Kinsley he said,

“I’ve got it from here now, you girls can leave.”

I expected my friends to put up a fight, and I wasn’t disappointed. Jessy set forward, folding her arms in front of her, she faced Killian down.

“I don’t think that leaving her with you is the best idea.”

Killian’s eyes darken and the vein at his temple started twitching. He still had me close to him, but he leaned forward, his eyes never leaving Jessy.

“Either you leave now, or I call Miguel to come and remove you, which one is it going to be?”

Jessy stiffened, her eyes widen, then I saw her shoulders slumped in defeat. She glared at Killian, muttering ‘fine’ then storming out with a confused Kinsley behind her. I knew I’d have to ask her what that was about after, but I had to deal with Mr cheater first.

“You kissed her.”

I couldn’t think of anything else to say, he kissed her and I wanted to know why. I was entitled to that much.

“I didn’t kiss her, she kissed me.”

That pissed me off, did he think I was an idiot? I pushed on his chest, trying to get him off of me, but like before he didn’t move, so I settled for hitting him.

“You kissed her, she kissed you, you guys f**king kissed!!!”

Fresh tears started flowing down my face, and I felt myself go weak. If it wasn’t for him, I probably would have fallen.

“I know, baby, and I’m so f**king sorry.”

I didn’t want to hear his sorries, I just wanted him to tell me why he did it. Why would he hurt me like that?

“Why? Why, Killian? Why did you break my heart?”

“Uh f**k, Red, tell me what I have to do to make it better?”

I ignored the pleading in his voice and instead started screaming at him. At that moment I wanted to hate him, I wanted to hate him so bad.

“You took me away from everyone I know and love broke down the person I was and built me into your own version!! You threatened to kill any guy who gets in your way, and refused to let me leave! What the f**k was it all for, just so you could cheat on me?!! Just… let me go, please. ”

I pound on his chest as I said every word, but he just held me closer and took every last one of my hits. My ranting went on for a while, and when I was done I felt so drained like I had nothing more to give.

I give up on fighting, resting my head against him. He turned me around until my back was flat against him. Turning us both, we faced the mirror, I was horrified by how terrible I looked whiles he looked like a supermodel.

Both his hands circled me like a snake, and he leaned down to place a soft kiss on my head.

“As much as you might want me to let you go, I can’t. You’re my air, baby, how am I supposed to breathe without you? It impossible for me to ever let you go, Red, you were mine from the moment I saw you watching your brother’s game. I knew since you were twelve that I wanted you, I would watch you as you go about your day, thinking that one day I was going to own you.”

His eyes found mines in the mirror.

“I’ve had you, I’ve tasted your sweetness. I’ll always be the only guy who’s ever seen you naked, always be the only guy who’s experienced the honey behind your tears. And I’ll always be the only guy you love to the point of destruction. So, no, I can never let you go.”

He turned me back around so that I was facing him. lifting me, he placed me on the edge of the sink then opened my legs so that he could stand between them. He was making me weak for him again and I didn’t like it. I don’t like him breaking down my walls before I had a chance to build them.

“I hate you, Killian.”

I whispered the words to him, but instead of getting upset he just chuckled.

“No you don’t, baby, you love me.”

Lifting my head, I looked up at him. I felt myself falling under his spell again and I fought it. I didn’t want to forgive him that easily, I didn’t want to fall right back into his arms and his bed.

“But you don’t love me, right? That’s why it was so easy for you to kiss her? I’m just something for you to possess, your willing sex slave, who you refuse to set free.”

His eyes darken, and I knew that I hit a nerve but instead of reacting the way I wanted him to, he took a breath to calm himself then smile at me. Using the pad of his thumb he gently rubbed it across my lips.

“I’m not capable of love, baby, but you’re the only person I’d die for, I’d kill for you, but I’m unable to live without you.”

He moved his hand while leaning in close, causing my breath to hitch.

“I promise that you’ll be the only girl I ever kiss.”

His lips were barely touching mine, and I felt the anticipation build, sending my emotions into a frenzy. He continued,

“And don’t fool yourself, baby, freedom is the last thing that you want from me.”

His lips took mine and I kissed him, giving in to the truth… I loved his beyond repair, I didn’t want freedom, I’d much prefer being his captive for the rest of my life.

I was doomed.